Believer or Follower?

Note: I'm sorry that this post rambles on, but this has really been weighing pretty heavily on mind lately.

This morning on my way to work, I was listening to Rick and Bubba like I always do. It usually irritates me when they have guest speakers on, but this morning was different. This morning's speaker was Don Davis, a former NFL football player. Don played for the New Orleans Saints, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, St. Louis Rams, and lastly the New England Patriots. He was also one of the assistant coaches for the Patriots until last year.

Don was raised to be a believer of Jesus Christ. He went to church, Bible school, etc. He followed the rules and played sports, and as he put it, did all the "right" things. When he went to college, however, his beliefs were put to the test, and he did a lot of things he knew weren't right. It wasn't until later, he said, that he became a follower of Jesus Christ.

I was kind of confused about the difference until he explained it this way: Everyone knows who Tom Brady is. He's a quarterback for the Patriots. He is dating/engaged to a supermodel. He is in the news quite often. We know who Tom Brady is. Don, on the other hand, really knows who Tom Brady is. He has played with Tom and coached him. He knows him personally. They have a relationship.

It made me think...Am I a Believer or a Follower? I honestly have to say that I think that I'm a believer. I was raised in the Church, raised knowing who Jesus is, raised to know about the Bible, raised to do what is right. However, I don't think that I always follow in Christ's footsteps. I don't think that I really know Him.

Sometimes I'm jealous of the relationship that my husband, Marc, has with the Lord. He was raised in Catholicism and had very little understanding of the Bible. Yet, a few years ago, he was baptized in Christ. His story is different from mine, but I think his is better. He has a love for God that I don't think I've ever had. And I'm ashamed to admit that. And I want to change that.

I grew up in a church that taught if you did what was right, you would be blessed. If you did wrong, you would be punished. Through my childhood and teen years, I did what was right. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't party, I didn't curse. I didn't do all the things that kids do. I tried to treat others like I wanted to be treated, I was kind, I was compassionate. 

And while I do have many blessings in life, like a wonderful husband, a career, a place to live, a car to drive, I don't have the one thing that I have always wanted: children. And for some reason I can't get it out of my head that maybe I did something wrong along the way. Maybe I did something that made me not worthy of that blessing. Don't people always say that children are a blessing from God? I think that is my roadblock to really trusting Jesus. 

I'm going to try to work harder at trying to understand God's plan for me might not be what I had planned. I want to be closer to God and become more of a servant and follower than just a believer.